When she walked into her new home as a makoti, she thought she was marrying her husband.
But she quickly learnt she was marrying an entire family — one that would test her to breaking point.
That journey lies at the heart of author Siphokazi Patuleni’s new book, Toxic In-Laws, published by Incwadi Publishers in August.
It is Patuleni’s third book and her first English-language offering, following Zonke Ziyodlula in 2017 and the co-authored Iziphumo Zemfihlo in 2020.
But Patuleni, from Qumanco in Cofimvaba, says this was the hardest to write.
The book follows a newly married woman who faces rejection, isolation and emotional abuse from her new family.
Years later, after enduring the pain inflicted on her as a makoti, she finds herself repeating the cycle by becoming a toxic mother-in-law to her son’s girlfriend, ultimately contributing to the breakdown of their relationship.
Patuleni, a Khawulele JSS alumna and qualified beauty therapist who now works as an office administrator at Ululo, said the book explored challenges many women faced in marriage, including losing their sense of self, setting boundaries and finding healing.
She hopes it will encourage women and families to break destructive cycles.
“The biggest challenge was emotional. Writing meant reliving painful moments,” she said.
“Financially, publishing as a self-taught author from rural Eastern Cape is not easy, but I will always be grateful for my partner, who made sure that he paid for this book to be out.
“Finding an editor and printer who respected my story in my language and English was hard.”
While Toxic In-Laws is not an autobiography, Patuleni said elements of the story resonated strongly with her own experiences.
The book deals with emotional abuse, isolation, insults and loss, and how these almost cost its protagonist her marriage and mental wellbeing.
But the cycle repeats itself when the woman later inflicts similar treatment on the woman dating her son.
“I write as that woman,” Patuleni said. “I also tell how she mistreated me and made sure our relationship ended.
“It meant healing. It means speaking out no matter how hard it is because, as Xhosa women, we are taught to endure. Writing was my therapy.
“It was scary to speak out, but it gave me my voice back. There are parts of this book where I say: ‘This happened to me, and I survived’.”
With her latest offering, Patuleni hopes to give courage to women who are suffering in silence and remind them that setting boundaries is not disrespectful and standing up for themselves does not make them bad women.
She also wants families to reflect on how they treat women who marry into them.
Patuleni spent about a year writing the book while balancing motherhood and work.
She said she also had to overcome fears of being judged by her community, being labelled disrespectful and reliving painful experiences, as well as the financial challenges of editing, printing and publishing the book.
“This book is not about hating in-laws or men,” she said. “It is about healing, boundaries and choosing peace.
“I believe if we talk openly about toxic family culture, we can save marriages and lives.”
Daily Dispatch